i make bad puns for a living (sellmyseoul) wrote,
i make bad puns for a living

FIC: Foiled Plans (Hankyung/Heechul, Kibum/Donghae, &others)

Hello! First fic post :) More to come, it's just a matter of feeling confident enough to post them...

Foiled Plans
Hankyung/Heechul, Kibum/Donghae, some Kyuhyun/Sungmin, Kangin/Leeteuk
Humor, rated R for profanity and sexual situations, 1095 words
Summary: Using the SuJu Prompt Generator's prompt "On finding foil wrappers all over the house" - Hankyung and Heechul's plans are foiled, Donghae may or may not be sane.

It's been at least nine hours since they last did it, so naturally Hankyung and Heechul are clawing at each other in their bedroom at the first opportunity they get.

"Condom," moans out Heechul between heated kisses. He can still taste himself in Hankyung's mouth, and that turns him on so badly. Hankyung reaches blindly for their bedside table, fumbles for the drawer handle, and pulls out...

"Aluminum foil?" asks Heechul incredulously. "Why the hell do you have aluminum foil in our condom drawer? And why is it shaped into a pointy hat?"

"I don't—" Hankyung stares dumbly at it. "I didn't—"

Heechul rolls his eyes and rummages through the drawer. He finds one more aluminum foil hat, which he tosses to the side clicking his tongue in annoyance, but not a single condom.

"What the fuck! We just stocked up three days ago! We haven't had that much se—" Heechul stiffens and narrows his eyes. "Have you been cheating on me?"

"What?! No!" sputters Hankyung. Heechul eyes him suspiciously before putting his head in his hands.

"Now what?" he groans. "I was so looking forward to this, too."

"Well at least you came," mutters Hankyung darkly.

Heechul glares at him. "Stop complaining. God gave you hands for a reason."

Hankyung half expects Siwon to jump out of the closet, scandalized. "You're so mean to me," he sighs.

"Yeah, well you deal with your problem while I find out where the hell our condoms have gone," says Heechul as he pulls his jeans over his hips. "I swear, if Sungmin thinks he can just waltz in here and steal our shit, he's—"

"Oh my God," shrieks Sungmin from his bedroom. He rushes outside wearing nothing but briefs and one of Kyuhyun's shirts. "Heechul, you bitch, what the fuck is this foil shit and where are my condoms?"

Heechul pulls on a pink t-shirt and goes into the hallway. He raises an eyebrow upon seeing the 'foil shit' Sungmin was speaking of— in his hand is a badly crafted foil hat, just like the ones in Hankyung's drawer.

"Sungmin," says Heechul. "It seems someone is playing a prank on us." Sungmin's eyes widen, before he frowns.

"But who would be so... stupid to play a prank on you, hyung?"

Heechul's lips form a thin line. "And one that effectively cockblocks me, no less. Sungmin, I think we're about to find out."

The two of them make their way to the living room. Hankyung and Kyuhyun both join them, looking rather distraught and, in Hankyung's case, extremely confused.

"What," hisses Heechul as he enters the living room, "is this?"

Leeteuk looks up at him from the couch, where he is knitting. Yesung acts like he doesn't hear him and continues watching tv. Siwon sees the foil hat and jumps up from his seat. "I found one of those today in my bag, hyung!" he says, pointing to the hat. Heechul raises an eyebrow. "No, no, it wasn't me, of course!" he says, waving his hands in front of him. "I'm just saying I found one of them too."

"LEETEUK," Kangin bellows from the bathroom. "WHAT THE—" He emerges from the bathroom, wearing nothing but a towel and holding crumpled foil in his hand. "WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES? IF THIS IS ONE OF YOUR STRANGE SEXUA— Oh." He turns red, noticing the crowd gathered in the living room. "Hello. WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?"

It is then that Donghae appears from his and Leeteuk's shared bedroom, reading a magazine. He floats into the kitchen for a glass of water.

Everyone gapes at him, including Kangin, who is dripping water all over the carpet.

"Y-y-you!" manages Sungmin finally. Donghae looks up from his magazine, confused about all of the attention he is getting. "T-That!"

Donghae blinks before he breaks into a smile. "Hi Sungmin! Hi everyone! I didn't know you guys were here."

Hankyung facepalms. "Donghae," grits out Heechul, peeved. "Explain the abomination that sits on your head, and tell me why, when I reached for my condom stash, I found two of these hats instead."

Donghae looks at him blankly, before raising one hand to feel his foil hat. "Oh, I almost forgot I was wearing it! Yes, did you find yours? Put them on immediately, we have no time to waste!"

There is a brief silence. It is Sungmin who breaks it once more. "Um. What?"

Donghae stares at him as if he's gone crazy. "Haven't you heard?"

More silence. "... No?" Hankyung tries.

Donghae looks horrified. "But I thought it was all over the news! Here, look at my magazine." He holds it out for Heechul, who takes it from him.

"... It's upside down," says Heechul.

Donghae merely cocks his head to one side, not understanding the problem.

"You're reading. the magazine. upside down."

"Oh! Yes," says Donghae. "That's the point. If you look at the satellite image of Asia on page 42 and flip it upside down, the lights spell out 'HI.'"

"... No they don't."

"Yes they do!" says Donghae impatiently. "See, right here. It is clearly evidence that an alien attack is coming sooner than we thought. Being the concerned dongsaeng that I am, I wanted to make sure that all of you were prepared when the time came."

"And... when would that be, exactly?"

Donghae frowns. "Hyung, haven't you been paying attention to anything? You've heard about my suspicions that Junsu may be under the control of aliens. Eunhyuk agrees with me. Well, TVXQ's latest Japanese album has a song called 9095. Backwards, that would be 5-9-09, as in May 9th, 2009, as in two days from now! We have to be ready!"

Sungmin takes a deep breath. There's no use arguing with Donghae when he gets like this. "But... what about the condoms?"

"The what?"

"The condoms, Donghae."

"Oh!" Donghae shrugs. "Well, aliens can sense temperature elevation easily, and if you were to be doing... that... when they arrived, they would sense the surge in body heat and you would be their first targets. Naturally, I had to prevent you from doing... that... in order to save you from danger."

"Naturally," says Heechul, sarcastically.

"Okay," says Kangin, looking very much like he wants to shake some sense into Donghae. "But where are my clothes?"

"Oh," says Yesung innocently from the couch, holding them up. "Are these yours? My bad."

"Why you—" Yesung darts out of the apartment before Kangin has the chance to throttle him.

"So," says Hankyung, deceptively casual. "Where'd you put the condoms, Donghae?"

Donghae beams. "I'm afraid I can't tell you that! Don't forget to put your hats on!" He finishes his water and goes back into his bedroom.

There is more silence, except for the drip, drip, drip of water from Kangin's hair. Heechul wrinkles his nose. "Can you leave, please? I find it insulting to be in your presence when you are naked."

Kangin glares at him, seething, and grabs his clothes before returning to the bathroom. His crumpled aluminum foil ball is forgotten on the ground.

"So," says Kyuhyun awkwardly. "I guess I should go back downst—"

"There's gotta be another way!" whines Sungmin.

Heechul closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this," he says, moving to the kitchen table. As he climbs on top of it, Hankyung wonders if their nine— no, ten hours without sex have finally taken a toll on his sanity.

Heechul stands on his tiptoes and puts his hands, palms up, against the ceiling. Pushing against it, he lifts up one of the tiles and reaches into the space above it. Seconds later, he is showered with condoms.

"..." Everyone is at a loss for words. He puts the tile back in place and climbs down from the table. Hankyung stares at him. He sighs.

"My emergency stash. Don't just stand there! Kiss my feet, commend me for being so well-prepared," he turns to Sungmin and Kyuhyun, "and tell me I'm wonderful for sharing my condoms with you and saving your sex life."

"You hid condoms in our kitchen ceiling," says Leeteuk finally. Siwon looks vaguely horrified.

Heechul snorts. "Fine, fine. You and Kangin can have some too. Geez, everyone is so greedy these days— pigs, the lot of you." He picks up a handful and retreats to his and Hankyung's room. "Hankyung, grab as many as you can and get your ass in here, I don't think I can wait a moment longer."

Hankyung looks at his bandmates and shrugs. "Um. Enjoy... you know..." he says, waving awkwardly to Kyuhyun and Sungmin.

Back in his room, Donghae is at his computer, typing furiously.

THEREALKIBUM (7:53:42 PM): So, did it work?
haefishyhofishy (7:54:03 PM): i have a box full of condoms with our names on it :D
THEREALKIBUM (7:54:39 PM): I still don't understand why you couldn't just steal them and blame it on Yesung or something
haefishyhofishy (7:54:58 PM): this was more fun!
haefishyhofishy (7:55:01 PM): and believable ^__^
THEREALKIBUM (7:55:35 PM): So, how many weeks worth is it, do you think?
haefishyhofishy (7:56:20 PM): maybe... 7 or 8?
haefishyhofishy (7:56:23 PM): wait
haefishyhofishy (7:56:26 PM): is ur hair still long?
THEREALKIBUM (7:56:50 PM): Yeah
haefishyhofishy (7:57:15 PM): ok make that 4
haefishyhofishy (7:57:33 PM): or 3
haefishyhofishy (7:57:49 PM): yeah 3
THEREALKIBUM (7:58:01 PM): ...

Please comment if you enjoyed it! This is my first ever Super Junior fic, so I would appreciate any feedback. Thank you ♥
Tags: band: super junior, genre: humor, length: oneshot, pairing: hankyung/heechul, pairing: kibum/donghae, pairing: kyuhyun/sungmin
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